If I'm Honest

the following was written a while ago, but published now.

If I'm honest - not having a church has taken a bigger toll on my soul than i like to believe; than i like to let on.

if I'm honest - most of the time I'm pretty depressed.

if I'm honest - i keep busy to keep distracted. because the second i sit still the anxiety kicks in.

if I'm honest - I've been a terrible person and friend the last several months of my life. and I'm sorry if that's affected you.

if I'm honest - I'm constantly homesick for a home that i have yet to know. and it's driving me crazy.

if I'm honest - i have zero ambition for any career.

if I'm honest - I'm really tired.

if I'm honest - the uncertainties are overwhelming at the moment.

if I'm honest - sometimes crying doesn't help and doesn't stop.

i'm super broken. my heart is in shambles, and has been for a while. and i like to ignore it and move forward because it's easier to ignore than it is to clean up.

and

if I'm honest

i don't know where or how to begin

i really want to clean it up and let Jesus put me back together, it's all i want. i just don't know how.

so I'm sitting in my apartment in North West Montana, on a snowy Wednesday night, playing worship music and writing this. i don't know why I'm writing this. is it for me? is it for you? i don't know. but I'm writing it.

I'm opening up the word of God and reading from his scriptures. i'm soaking in the truth he wrote about me long before i came into being, knowing he knew i needed them, knowing he's speaking to me, and letting His word be the living breath i need and know it is.

I'm praying continuously.

I'm going to watch an old sermon or two.

I'm going to fight the hell out of this. I'm going to fight the only way i know how, on my knees. because I'm so tired and so broken that's all i have left. it's all I've ever had.

i was made for praise. i was made for my Creator, and it's Him i long for. so it's Him, and Him only i will seek.

when i put on my music and started worshipping (and crying) i looked up and read the quote thats hanging on the wall in my living room:

"It is in the Process of being worshipped that God communicates His presence to Men." C.S. Lewis

and i cried harder.

because

if I'm honest

His presence hasn't been communicated to me in a long time.

and i miss Him more than anything.

if I'm honest - i just want to give up.

but i know He would never allow it.